Randi Rhodes Forums

Hi all! I'd like to suggest breaking it into discrete threads... one for written jokes and one for videos.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Whatever floats your boat!

Physicist sitting at a bar, orders a drink for the empty stool next to him, bartender says "what's the drink for?"

Physicist says "i am working on a hypothesis where based on various calculations I can make a woman suddenly materialize, and this drink is for her"

Bartender says "OK, but why not just ask one of these single women here at the bar to sit down and have a drink with you?"

Physicist says "oh sure, what are the odds of that happening!!"

If a train leaves New York at 75 MPH, and a train leaves LA at 80 MPH, how many fingers am I holding up? 1, Fuck you and yer riddles!!!!

If you were paddling down the street in your canoe one day and all 4 wheels fell off, how many banana peels would it take to fill up a manhole?

That's easy. There are NO bones in Ice Cream.

May as well start this board off with my last "gem" from the old board:



The old Nun was involved in a fatal auto accident. She reaches the Pearly Gates and is greeted by a rather distraught St Peter. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake. You're not scheduled to join us for several years," he says. "What's worse, your body was so damaged by the accident, that it can't be used again. The only option we have is that you can return in someone else's body. Is there anyone you would like to become?"

"Why, yes," she replies. "I'd like to be Virginia Pipilini."

St Peter checks his book and says, "I'm afraid we have no record of any Virginia Pipilini."

"You must," said the Nun. "She was in the newspaper just last week. Didn't you see the headline?"

St Peter checked the paper, and sure enough, the headline read:

50 MEN LAY VIRGINIA PIPELINE IN 3 DAYS

A man walks into a bar one day and finds a horse at the end of the bar with a jar full of money in front of it. He asks the bartender what the story is and the bartender replies,

"That jar of money is for anyone who can make the horse laugh."

So the guy walks over and whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse busts out laughing. The guy picks up the jar of money and walks out.

Two weeks go by and the same guy returns to the bar to find the same horse in the same place with another jar of money in front of him. He asks the bartender what the story is today and the bartender answers,

THAT jar of money is for anyone who can make the horse CRY.

The guy tells the bartender that HE can make the horse cry but will have to lead the horse into the back room for a few minutes. The bartender agrees and the guy leads the horse into the back room, shutting the door. About two minutes later, the guy opens the door and leads the horse back to the bar. The horse is just bawling up a storm, crying his eyes out.

The guy picks up the jar of money and starts to walk out when the bartender stops him, The bartender tells him,

Now wait a minute. Two weeks ago you made the horse laugh. Today you made the horse cry. What did you DO?

The guy replied,

Well, two weeks ago I told the horse, "My dick's BIGGER than yours." Today, I SHOWED him.

What's the difference between brown nosing and ass kissing?
Depth perception.

Biden on spy swap: ‘I thought they’d take Rush Limbaugh’
http://rawstory.com/rs/2010/0709/biden-spy-swap-limbaugh/

Leno asked Biden during a taping of "The Tonight Show" why the U.S. was sending 10 accused spies back to Russia while getting only four in return.

"That doesn't seem fair," Leno said.

"We got back four really good ones," Biden reassured Leno. "And the 10, they've been here a long time, but they hadn't done much."

Leno then showed a sultry photo of alleged Russian agent Anna Chapman and asked: "Are our spies this hot?"

Biden's reply, in a mock-serious tone: "Let me be clear. It was not my idea to send her back."

The vice president also said he had one more suggestion for the deal that was ignored.

"I thought they'd take Rush Limbaugh," he said.

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Ok," I said, "you can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

Three men ran into a bar....
the forth one ducked!
Oh that's soooo funny
I crackle me up!